The Water of Life - Not Just for Drunks Anymore

Most cultures have a word for their national liquor and it usually boils down to something resembling "Water of Life."  While anyone knows I could launch into a stupefying yet sophistic rant about what that says about alcohol's value in society, history, and politics, I'll stick to the recent news that my friend Jake sent my way.  Scottish Scientists Develop Whisky Biofuel.

Judging by the article, it's years down the line, but what's important to note is that it's an old process, and it uses pot ale, not whisky itself.  When I first clicked the link, I was afraid it was going to be a scientific process that told me I could just pour liquor into my tank and drive on it...  ...I'm glad that fear was unfounded.

They're starting a spin-off company from the university, so if you're interested in moving to Scotland and being a part of a project that might revolutionize the way people think about whisky, I'd investigate.

Drunk Calculus

Hello, and welcome back to Redfacery.  I know it's been a long time, but I've been busy adventuring.

Back to the matter at hand:

Drunk Calculus:

Whenever you're planning on getting drunk, it's important that you have enough booze - there's nothing worse than having a place, and the time, but no more liquid joy.  

As I mentioned above, I just got back from adventuring.  Since I've been gone so long, I'm sure you could imagine that there was a considerable amount of planning that went into that there adventure; and you'd be right.  From the 3 calories in each Altoid, to the stashes of book matches littering the gear, everything had a purpose and a place.

But we screwed up our Drunk Calculus. 

We figured two strapping young men out in the woods for four weeks would be more than happy with the luxury of three bottles of whiskey.  Two high proof ones, and one crap bottle to finish first.

We could not have been more wrong.  175 beers and 6 bottles of ethanol later, we'd moistened our trail-dusted throats sufficiently.  Carting around 12 pack after 12 pack of unspeakably bad beers, it occurred to me that there is a certain mathematics that goes into drinking.  There are particular numbers for everything in the wide world of drinking: 17 shots in a fifth, 9 ingredients in a Slickheel Lemonade, 12 ice cubes in a tray, and even unknowable ones, like how many ice cubes Justin Bieber puts in his drinks. 

What's important to learn here is that you should follow this simple equation in the future when calculating how much booze you'll need to achieve the desired level of drunkenness:

Number of people is straightforward, but drinks per person can be a little tricky.  I suggest you think about how many beers a healthy 25 year old could pound in an evening, add how many appletinis a slim girl could drink and divide by two. I find that 6-8 is a pretty good number when I'm throwing a party, but 12-15 is much more reliable when it's just a few pals shooting the shit.

The drunk factor is the party index more or less - if you want a rager, then make it huge, just be sure to have adequate blankets + puke boxes for people who tap out without making it home.  I suggest here that you make it somewhat proportional to the number of people expected.  If there are only five people there, and you want a calm night, make it 5-10, but if you expect 25, and you want the party to take off around 1am and not look back until pepper vodka smells like roses, make it 35-50.

Humanity I love you because when you're hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink.

  - E. E. Cummings